In my writings about martial arts I have tried to impart a bit of my own limited insight and perspective. And as a generally upbeat person I always try to do this in a positive, constructive, manner.

Well today I’m saying F*CK THAT!

Today, Kyokushinblog is going full-on Darkside. And you are going to sit there and listen to me tell you the ten things I HATE about Martial Arts and tell you why YOU should hate them too!

10. Mc Dojo’s:
Ugh. Need I say more? These places not only rob parents and students of their money, but of their time and often of their enthusiasm for Martial Arts, too. They care little for the arts, their student’s training, and sometimes even their safety. Profitability is the name of this game and it is because of these places that I wish “Dojo-Busting” was still in vogue.

9. Unscrupulous Learn-at-Home Programs:
This doesn’t include the supplemental program you bought to improve your striking or speed. I am talking about the “Be a walking invincible, commando, badass” programs. These are the “McDojo’s of home training” and the people that create them should be shot.

8. Fiction Authors:
I’m an avid reader; so much so that the worst thing my family did for my finances was buying me a Kindle for my birthday and with this fiscal albatross I have already read several Martial Arts related works. What I have found is that the martial arts contained in them nearly always uniformly awful! It seems that the majority of fiction writing seems to be done by those who have A) Never trained. B) Trained when they were children and not once since. C) Have watched too many movies and cannot tell the difference.

Even when they can write a fight scene they still screw up when they have their hero suddenly become powerful enough to defeat the villain after having an epiphany. I know you can’t write a “Rocky training-montage” into a book but nothing ruins a good story for me like the hero becoming merely spiritually enlightened/resolves internal conflict and suddenly finding the strength to whip the villain like a red-headed stepchild. Puke.

7. “Rainbow Belts”
Have you ever been to a dojo where they seem to have more belt colors than a deluxe box of Crayolas? These places are almost certainly either McDojo’s or cater almost exclusively to children of helicopter parents who insist that little Johnny get an award for just showing up and not wetting himself. And while we’re on the subject…

6. Children:
I am not against children training, or against children in general. But as someone who takes his training seriously I cannot stand it when we have to stop the class for a kid who doesn’t care enough to try. If you don’t want to try then DON’T SHOW UP.

5. Teenage Visitors:
All mouth, no action. These bitches generally come in one of two types. Either they will peek inside and take a “Crane Kick” pose a la “The Karate Kid“, whoop and holler, and then scurry off with their friends to go buy more acne creme and Axe body spray. Or he will visit purely to stroke his meek ego. He’ll tell you that he’s “rolled” with some guys over at so-and-so gym. And that your training looks “Ok, but needs ‘yadda, yadda, yadda’”. He may also secretly divulge that his ninja-uncle has trained him privately since he was 5 but he’s taking some time off to work on his YouTube film career and “Halo” achievement record. Finally, before he leaves, he’ll tell you that he’ll be back to try out a class, if he has the time. Oh, we should be SO lucky!

4. All Martial Arts exhibitions featured on ESPN:
If you’ve seen them, you know what I’m talking about- the screaming, ridiculous weapon kata (how much time did this idiot waste learning how to toss and catch his sword???), and “tricking“…very little actual Martial Arts. But it looks pretty, which creates ratings, which sells advertising, which is why REAL Martial Arts exhibitions and tournaments are so poorly covered.

3. “What-if” Monkeys:
These are people who seem to think that a conversation about Martial Arts means describing in minute detail how you would handle every possible type of attack. “What if they try to sweep your legs? What if they bear hug you from behind? What if they came at you with a “nunchucks” and a gun at the same time?”.

Of course, the best handle these types of questions here is to look at him like the punk-ass that he is and say, “Try it. Let’s find out”.

2. Media Deceptions of Martial Arts:
There is little that sets my teeth on edge like watching how the media portrays martial artists. You know exactly what I am talking about…

For the majority of us, what we do is a mature venture in the pursuit of physical, spiritual, or mental perfection. And to have decades of hard work and dedication mocked at every turn makes me wish I could c*ck punch every TV writer on Earth.

1. The General Public:
These are the worst – the ABSOLUTE WORST – because their entire knowledge of Martial Arts is limited to everything that is wrong, stupid, and awful (see numbers 8, 4, & 2 above) and stories of a friend’s brother’s boss’s cousin who is a 27th degree black belt in “Brazillian Tae Ryu Jitsu Kwon Maga Do” who still got his ass kicked in a club 14 years ago by a guy with one eye and a wooden leg. These are the types of people who, upon learning that you train will ask you one or several of the following stupid questions:

• “How long until I would get a black belt?”
• “I heard that (whatever) style is better than (yours).”
• “Do you think you can beat me up?”
• “What’s with all the screaming and ‘krotty-chops’?”
• “What would you do if…?”
• “Yeah, right. Show me something cool.”
• “If you tried that on someone they’d just stab/shoot you.”
• “That stuff is for kids. Why are you still doing it?”
• Ad nauseum

Fortunately, most of these people are incredibly stupid and easily distracted. So I will usually point behind them, shout “What’s that!?”, and walk away. When they turn back around I am already gone and they have forgotten that we were speaking. They’re then free to go back to their quiet lives of blissful ignorance.

Whew! It felt good to get all that out! Well, now that my Darkside has been satiated your regular mild-mannered Brett is back. But I am interested to hear what you think. Did I leave anything out?

Osu!